Been slacking on this front

But my blog has seen some action (shh...it's a secret...I'm shy about this)

Serious Works

Hometown Tourist Part 2

As mentioned in the previous post, I like to treat everyday things in my hometown as an attraction. I get nostalgic for some things from my former midwestern life. Grocery shopping is a big one. The experience is so incredibly different in the city than it is back home. Maybe because while there are several large grocery stores, there really isn't a supermarket on par with those I grew up with anywhere accessible to me. There is one on Broadway near the Lorimer stop that comes close, but with it's open air fish section and gigantic selection of South American and Caribbean produce, it definitely smacks of Brooklyn.

I was lucky enough to visit my favorite mega supermarket grocery store, Super Saver twice on my trip home. The first was right after I got into town to pick up provisions for breakfast the next day and vegetables to go with the duck my dad and I were to roast. As I walked past the giant smoked meats display adorned with placards one in various categories of competition at the State Fair, I lamented that I had neglected to bring my camera inside. In the bakery I frantically searched for my favorite midwest supermarket staple, the maple frosted donut topped with chopped peanuts or at least filled with cream (and not of the bavarian variety, of the grainy white fluffy kind, so sweet it kind of burns your tongue.) Alas! The holidays had temporarily interfered with is space in the gleaming donut case in favor of vanilla iced donuts transformed with seasonal food coloring. Cameraless I still browsed as though at a museum, pointing and marvelling at the size and scope of the meat department, the warehouse-esque produce section, nearly as big as the Associated on Grand Street back in Brooklyn. I gawked and gasped and giggled at memories of foods not commonly found in New York. Sure, things like tahini and plantains are staples at any neighborhood bodega here, but do they have a deli case filled with Ambrosia and Strawberry Fluff salads? Does Key Food have a sample lady for chipped dried beef dip (dried beef in cream cheese) or house cured meat sticks, beer salami and pretzels with yellow cheddar cheese cubs next to the "exotic" flecked white cubes of pepper jack on display for you to sample? All staples of middle American picnic cuisine.

Thankfully we went back to pick up some last minute items and this time I was wise enough to bring my camera. As I walked around taking pictures I noticed all the employees noticing me. Unlike the mall where my picture taking was completely ignored in every store we went in, my snapping was causing somewhat of a frenzy of speculation from the staff. As seemingly no one normal would be taking pictures of their store, I saw a woman from the bakery staff point me out to her manager in wonderment. I guess "blogger" isn't a recognized past time to everyone yet and I sincerely hope they think I was a journalist not a terrorist. Regardless, I shied away from some amazing things because I was getting so stared at (I know, I'm a pussy.) I still regret missing the giant turkey made out of cupcakes, but I think I got a pretty good representation of how amazing Super Saver (motto, "We sell for less") really is.


Bulk candy and pinata display, perfection in merchandising




The biggest hot dog case I've ever seen


Champion meats








Patriotic beef jerky


Field of sausage


Holiday aisle


Cookies and cream = childhood dream

Men get ready...

This will be good. This will be fun. I'll be hanging out I'm sure.

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There really isn't anything else any of you should be wearing, now is there?

Omaha Mall Mecca

Living in New York you are constantly barraged with tourists who treat the streets and sidewalks of your daily life as an attraction. After a few years you get used to it (although the holiday season can be especially harrowing.) Pushing past those slow-walkers, remembering how you used to be one (that is, if like me and many others you are a transplant and not a native.) Cursing their inefficiency at the MetroCard machines, rolling your eyes and biting your tongue on the sales floor of Barneys when they ask what's the cheapest piece of Juicy Couture you have to sell them as a gift for their daughter back home. Okay, maybe that last one was just my regular hell. But I wasn't born here. Lord knows as a college freshman I was getting drunk at Bull McCabe's on St Marks place endlessly shopping at Trash and Vaudeville and Religious Sex (R.I.P.) I think first year New Yorkers qualify as extended tourists. There is the honeymoon interim period until the pacing of the city sets your heartrate pumping.

Every time I go home I seek out what used to be the most regular and mundane activities and locations. I am always supremely excited for that first hometown visit back to the grocery store, the supermarkets of my youth, warehouses of smoked meats and a hot-dog section 30 feet long. And, gasp, if there is a mall trip, I'll just about lose it. My sacred pilgrimage to everything mass-produced, Hot Topic, Pac Sun, Claires, Spencer's Gifts...it's a holy experience.

I like treating the lives of my tourists as an attraction. Relishing the sights that you can't see in New York but are everyday and mundane to locals. And of course, this being a blog, I make sure to bring a camera along the way.

The mall trip happened innocently enough. I drove to Omaha to visit my friend Kelley and spent the afternoon with her. Since I had no money and no agenda I accompianed her on some errands. We returned a few things to Kohls and then went to Von Maur at the Westroads Mall. This particular Von Maur was where 19 year old Robert Hawkins shot and killed 8 holiday shoppers and then himself a year ago today. Strange to be writing this on the anniversary, that was purely coincidental. I'd never been to that location and immediately my mind made the connection. And that was our entryway into the mall.

After Kelley found a suitable pair of jeans and I had texted Brendan as to my morbid location, we went deeper into the mall to browse. Kelley laughed and told me that I was treating the experience as if I was a tourist. I couldn't disagree as I entered Claires, camera in hand.







It was a wonderland of pink. The land of Hannah Montana pop tart dreams. I couldn't even scowl, I just looked around and thanked god the 'tween market hadn't been discovered when I was small because I would have wanted everything in it's walls. So much better than the Claires of my youth, land of free ear piercings with purchase of a starter kit. I think I actually got my second holes done in that very Claires in the Omaha mall when I was 10. It was also the first of many stores (all that we visited aside from Pac Sun) to have a Nightmare Before Christmas display. I had no idea that movie was still so marketable.





The fake hair section was probably my favorite. Although I was very disturbed by the mock Crocs.



But the most disturbing find in Claires and second most disturbing find of the entire day will have to go to the lip balm.



I mean...wow...uhh...eew? The next stop was Pac Sun. Everything was neon and ugly and while I took pictures the neon ugliness didn't really turn out, so let's skip to the glorious beacon of trash, Spencer's Gifts.



This is what greeted me as I walked in. It was the first of many disturbing Heath Ledger as the joker items I saw that day, but by far the creepiest. It's a facemask/hat hybrid. Allow me to demonstrate:



Honestly, I almost bought it. Just like I almost bought the Cheez-Its lip balm. But I had landed the day before with a single $20 bill and I had a goal of not breaking it (thanks mom and dad for feeding me btw!) Sorry Brendan, no Christmas gift for you this year.





Of course I obsessed over the black light posters. ICP, Scarface, Led Zepplin, all the classics. I took more pictures but unfortunately they didn't all turn out. I'm also sure no one else is as fascinated with pictures of fimo lightbulbs and boner coupons as I am, but let's just say I was giggling for about 30 minutes. Adult I know.

And of course, on the way out we saw the obligatory Nightmare display...



Once Spencer's was conquered we had one final destination. The holy grail of mall rats, Hot Topic. I was especially jazzed on this since I'd spent about two hours on IM the night before looking for emo or goth chatrooms with my friend Paul, so I was definitely in the mood for some serious wristband action. I was not disappointed.



Ahh! Seriously the bane of my existence, non-functional fingerless gloves and sweatbands! A whole rack of them, adorned with everything wrong, but oh so right. And speaking of fingerless gloves, any Atreyu fans out there?




No? Well how about these Linkin Park key covers? That get you hot?


Or how about a TMNT chain wallet? This was seriously one of the ugliest things I've seen...like...ever. There is no reason for it to exist. I have no idea why I feel so strongly about it but my eyes want to reject it. The photo doesn't do its hideousity justice.



The jewelry was even better than Claires. I almost bought a cheapo pair of feather earrings until I remembered that crisp $20 bill. But again, I was completely creeped out by another Heath Ledger item:



And really? Already? Damn.



On our way out, exiled from gothville we passed the "Urban" mall store with these amazing numbers, perfect clubwear for a classy night out.



And the one thing I regret not buying is the one thing that reminded me most of home (I'm sure it's available at the Fulton Mall)


Emeinem and 50 Sent? Cloth backpack? Who are those guys on the bottom of the bag? Why are most of them white? Oh and the btw whole 4th wall of the store was made of chain link fencing. Now that's hood.

Full Bust

Angela Boatwright posted the entire set of Bust metal girls on her blog. I'm stealing her entire post...aren't I enterprising?

Cross dressing is not a crime

This post on Dlisted about the cross-dressing Harry Winston robbers in Paris made me think back on the shoplifter profiling we did back at Barneys. Seriously, without fail, our biggest thieves were always trannies. They were definitely the most easy to spot. These delicate amazons in their size 12 pumps would always try to squeeze in the smallest dresses possible. Proving that no lady, penis or not, wants to admit she's a size large. Some of the tranny thieves were quiet and shady, roaming floor to floor with a male accomplice, pretending they were trophy girlfriends. Others would make a lot of noise, trying on item after item in the dressing room asking for multiple sizes trying to confuse the sales girls. They always wanted to be helped by women, the retail gays were always the first ones to catch on. They knew about their trifling ways.

When I first started working at The Good The Bad and The Ugly, the manager Sarah told me about the trannies that would steal from the store. We couldn't hang silk dresses on the fixture closest to the door because they'd lost so many dresses in the past to trannies popping in and snatching them hanger and all and then making a break for it.

...whoa

Okay so halfway through this post I walked out into my living room and found 6 people sitting around a bong.

Now all I can fixate on is this from my recent trip home:



I'll do a full Omaha mall report when I'm no longer stoned.

As far as the thieving trannies...they'll just have to wait.

Once again...