If I am good at anything it's fucking up. Seriously, it's a talent. To willfully make bad decisions and not give a fuck. I mean wow, I value my life but the caliber of my fuck up ability is extraordinary. I see my friends who have the strength to make responsible well thought-out decisions and I envy them. On many points I am quite judicious and clear-headed. I'll work through a case of the plague and I am very rarely late. I have a great concept of time and I always pay my rent, but when it comes to personal decisions I am a retard. I guess part of me just doesn't give a fuck, it's probably a miracle I quit drinking, maybe vanity outweighed my internal case of the FID ("Fuck it dude".) I can't help it. This extends to buying things I should because I think they are hilarious, going on massive trips I can't afford, and of course the inevitable sleeping around. If I want to do something I'll most likely do it, shouldn't isn't a good enough reason. I try to be good, try to resist temptations but then I just get horny and bored.
Speaking of being a fuck up, I came to a depressing realization the other day. I was talking to someone about how I primarily identify myself as a writer even though I am too gutless to pursue it as a career path. The freelancing world scares me and the idea of submitting things for publication terrifies me, I have no idea where to start and refuse to look into it. Maybe it's selective laziness. I'll go out of my way to do mundane things on a daily basis but when it's the stuff I care about I flake and avoid. It's part of the art of poor decision making. I was telling someone about my job and how I work in fashion. He currently interns for Harpers and I told him the publishing world seems scary to me. But then I backtracked saying that the fashion world seems equally as scary to most if not scarier and then mid-sentence I realized that fashion doesn't scare me because I don't care. If I fail in this industry I won't be crushed. I'll probably be happier to have it out of my system. And because I ultimately don't care, because my dreams aren't wrapped up in it, I probably won't fail. Essentially I've given up before I've even begun.
A job is something to me that I don't mind doing. I hope one day that will chance and it will be something I love. I used to think I couldn't be one of those people who was content pursuing my art on my own time. I didn't think that my income and artistic drive should have to be separate. In a dream world writing would be my job but I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to try and make that happen.
I told this all to my mother and she told me it was very depressing. Thanks mom.