Thursday, July 3, 2008

FID

If I am good at anything it's fucking up. Seriously, it's a talent. To willfully make bad decisions and not give a fuck. I mean wow, I value my life but the caliber of my fuck up ability is extraordinary. I see my friends who have the strength to make responsible well thought-out decisions and I envy them. On many points I am quite judicious and clear-headed. I'll work through a case of the plague and I am very rarely late. I have a great concept of time and I always pay my rent, but when it comes to personal decisions I am a retard. I guess part of me just doesn't give a fuck, it's probably a miracle I quit drinking, maybe vanity outweighed my internal case of the FID ("Fuck it dude".) I can't help it. This extends to buying things I should because I think they are hilarious, going on massive trips I can't afford, and of course the inevitable sleeping around. If I want to do something I'll most likely do it, shouldn't isn't a good enough reason. I try to be good, try to resist temptations but then I just get horny and bored.

Speaking of being a fuck up, I came to a depressing realization the other day. I was talking to someone about how I primarily identify myself as a writer even though I am too gutless to pursue it as a career path. The freelancing world scares me and the idea of submitting things for publication terrifies me, I have no idea where to start and refuse to look into it. Maybe it's selective laziness. I'll go out of my way to do mundane things on a daily basis but when it's the stuff I care about I flake and avoid. It's part of the art of poor decision making. I was telling someone about my job and how I work in fashion. He currently interns for Harpers and I told him the publishing world seems scary to me. But then I backtracked saying that the fashion world seems equally as scary to most if not scarier and then mid-sentence I realized that fashion doesn't scare me because I don't care. If I fail in this industry I won't be crushed. I'll probably be happier to have it out of my system. And because I ultimately don't care, because my dreams aren't wrapped up in it, I probably won't fail. Essentially I've given up before I've even begun.

A job is something to me that I don't mind doing. I hope one day that will chance and it will be something I love. I used to think I couldn't be one of those people who was content pursuing my art on my own time. I didn't think that my income and artistic drive should have to be separate. In a dream world writing would be my job but I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to try and make that happen.

I told this all to my mother and she told me it was very depressing. Thanks mom.

2 comments:

Duchess said...

you are totally speaking my language. I have the exact same problem. I think I'll always have jobs I don't really care about cause I don't want to ruin what i love by making it a career or risk the failure that goes along with that. sucky.

minutieatations said...

actually that was totally the gist of my entrance essay to lang. Funny? Telling? Poignant? History will say.