The only good thing about the old rave is that they never called it art

I came home last night after an epic 8-hour nerdfest with Brendan and Dave to find a fucking rave in my apartment building. For those of you not familiar with my homestead, I live in a loft building on Broadway. Nearly everyone I know in Brooklyn has been to a party in it's walls at some point in time. It has one of the best rooftops in the hood and is quickly becoming the Southside equivalent of the McKibbin dorms. I'm basically like the grumpy ass RA of the building.

About 6 months ago the loft below mine was occupied by a couple with an unfortunate fondness for electronica and an equally unfortunate selective hearing malady; the word "bass" and the phrase "too loud" do not compute when added together in the same sentence. I'm a pro at the weekly 3 am door-pound and actually find it strangely satisfying. My roommates also find it satisfying, mainly because they are too pussy to complain and would rather be kept awake all night than face the electronica duo downstairs.

I fucking hate techno. I hate everything about it. I think that any music that requires the ground to shake for it to be properly enjoyed isn't music. I only dance to rock 'n' roll and the occassional Jonathan Toubin Soul Clap getdown. The thought of a bunch of sweaty fucking apes pumping away to drum and bass makes me want to relive disco bloodbath fantasies of yore. The nu-rave is just the old rave with tight pants. When is ecstasy going to make a comeback? Let's quicken natural selection, turning all those greasy retards into e-tards. Can't wait! I've been saying it since I first heard the whispers from across the pond. FUCK THE NU?NEU?NEW?RAVE!

Anyway, last night, I am not sure what it was. I don't think it was nu-rave. I think it was a bunch of East Village holdovers from the first rave. Serious office job nerds with blogs even worse than this one letting loose in a wild and crazy Brooklyn loft! Yeah, I think everyone there was named Chad and was wearing cargo shorts. Yes...after three hours of trying to wait it out, I finally infiltrated the rave. I live on the 4th floor. I don't give a fuck if it's Saturday night or not. It's totally unacceptable for me to be able to hear and feel (my bed was vibrating) a party in the basement.

I walked down the stairs and was horrified at what I saw. A small yellow sign with bubble letters proclaiming "Raeve! $5" and another one with just the word "RAVE" and an arrow pointing the way to apartment 108. Okay...wait, am I not getting something? Is a "raeve" different than a "rave" Is that the new-nu rave? Next lev rave? I rounded the corner, passed through the doorway half blind as I had taken out my contacts hours ago in preparation for sleep that still hadn't come (despite two sleeping pills and a pair of earplugs) in my gigantic Shred Bundy shirt and made a beeline for the back patio for there was the open door that was leaking all the music outside of the basement where it ricocheted against the brick outer walls of the buildings directly into my window. Before I reached my goal I had two beers spilled on me and some bitch almost knocked me over. Still I perservered and managed to convince the dude who lived there to spend the rest of the party manning the patio door making sure that it stayed closed. Ha, I didn't even have to threaten to call the cops like I did when I busted up the rave on the 3rd floor at 7 am, which is pretty funny because seriously, like I would really call the cops? Give me a break, that's the most empty fucking threat in the world. I did consider threatening to call our Hassid landlord on Passover because I thought that would be funny but I doubt anyone would get the joke.

But seriously, what is happening to my life? How the hell are raves and epidemic in my universe? Something is seriously out of whack.

Dream a little dream

One of these years I have to go to Wacken Open Air - an annual three-day festival in Wacken Germany. I couldn't give a shit about most of the bands that play but where else can you see Iron Maiden, Kreator, and Exodus on the same bill? Plus even though I may not make the effort to see them alone I'm not going to thumb my nose at Gorgoroth, Obituary, Massacre, and Destructor. Too bad I am broke too short-sighted to save up my cash for such a venture. Omid and I used to plot about how we could get Vice to pay for us to go to thrash festivals and interview people but the Jesse leveled with us and said it was doubtful they'd pay for shit. I'm sure if we'd taken initiative we could have written about our exploits and gotten them published. Oh well, dream big, live small I guess, at least for the time being. YouTube will have to suffice.

One thing that makes my disappointment sting less is sometimes I feel like there are things that would have been better if I were still drinking and Wacken is one of them. I think after day 2 of being harassed and headbutted by wasted Germans I'd probably wanna hang myself. Still, a girl can dream.

Here's a French dude yelling about Hitler:


I've always wanted to see a Wall of Death successfully pulled off live. Municipal Waste tried at Europa but it was laughable.

Here is what a real one looks like:





Here's the Caliban wall of death at Wacken 2007



Same event, different video:



On second thought...maybe I should stay at home. Wait, fuck that. I want to be the asshole standing by the wayside filming this shit. Anybody want to buy me a ticket to Germany?

Eff Southwestern

Aztec is the true next lev. Quezalcoatl and I are real tight bros

That's what friends are for...

Best "I'm coming to town" announcement ever:

Subject: depraved majesty

From: FAGGOT
Date: Apr 9, 2008 1:11 PM


hey dude,
WHat is up. I will be around NYC IN may I am driving these two Australian grind bands from MN to the MD death fest. Maybe you'd like to get gang banged by all those sweaty down undercocks while I sit on the wayside and draw sketches of the scene in a more futurisitic setting?




Actual photo of my friend who will be in town soon. I bet you wish you had friends who looked like this.

Maybe I should be scared...

But if Jews have all this power and influence then why the hell am I struggling all the time? I want a piece of the conspiracy.

Things are getting creepy

AGAP

aka As Gay As Possible.

Yeah...I watched the premiere of "Step It Up and Dance" last night. What of it?

But seriously, it was by far the most quotable tv show I've seen in years.

"Did I look like a fag onstage?" - contestant

"Hip-hop's not my strongpoint." - Tovah, the black ballerina
"But you're black!" - Mel B, Spice Girl/Guest Judge

"He's a performer. I feel like he could sell me a sneaker full of poop." - Judge

What the hell. I like how the try and pass off Elizabeth Berkley as a serious gay icon. Yeah, Showgirls was campy and hilarious but I am sorry, if anyone is the icon of filth in that movie it was totally Gina Gershon. Still, I appreciated it immensely when one of the contestants (he's so 6th ave strip West Village) did an impression of her infamous "I'm So Excited" scene in Saved by the Bell.







"He has been training in ballet, jazz, tap, hip-hop, and jazz funk for over ten years and has performed on stage with Perez Hilton and Grammy-nominated R&B singer, Shanice."

This is the guy who apparently could sell a sneaker full of poop and who did the Jesse Spano reference. Is performing onstage with that fat blob of goo Perez Hilton something a trained dancer should brag about?



"Miguel is an accomplished choreographer with credits including MTV's Rob & Big, Robin Anton's Pussy Cat Dolls in Las Vegas, and assisting for the sold-out Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds Tour. Miguel describes his point of view as unapologetic, forward, and a little offbeat. Miguel can also play the saxaphone and is an amazing whistler."

Rob and Big? What the fuck did he do on Rob and Big and how did I miss that? I swear to god I've seen this dude before. Probably at the cock or at one of Sophia Lamar's parties, but I definity can't shake it.

It's almost as strong as the weird "alterna" girl from the first Pussycat Dolls reality show. She looked so damn familiar and then I realized there was a photo of her in my senior thesis. What the FUCK?