Jews for Jesus @ TMZ

So saw a posting and it's my friend Will Lemon walking around with Devendra and Natalie Portman. TMZ is making fun of her for having a bunch of dudes who look like jesus around which is whatevs...totally retarded, but it's still pretty hilarious.

It's been dead at work today due to the insane heatwave, I gotta do something to keep occupied.

Jews for Jesus

I've got heavy metal music in my blood

As I mentioned before I was shot for Bust by Angela Boatwright. She and I had a total geek out which resulted in my burning her a data DVD's worth of metal. The basics are not included, because, well she's got them, so this is by no means a comprehensive "must have" list. In fact it was hard to compile because you never want to offend a metal collector by including the obvious but then again, you want to share everything you are excited about. The realms of long-neglected records are tricky to navigate. Things that are new to one listener are old hat to another. I was introduced to Jerusalem and Necromandus last year but so many of my friends have had the reissues since...well, they were first reissued.

Regardless, here is a list of the albums I burnt on my epic 24 hours worth of metal. It ranges from current to late-60s hard rock roots of metal. Some things are forgettable save a song or two and some are utterly essential in my library of heavy jams. Some of their albums are not the greatest but I didn't have the greatest available on my hard drive. Some artists I would have loved to include aren't on the list because I haven't made it all the way through in downloading my record collection onto my hard drive. Blah blah blah...so many disclaimers. Basically this is non-essential but encouraged listening.


Axes to the Sky Thunder of 1000 Hooves
Axes to the Sky The Overlord
Axes to the Sky Always Say Die

Bedemon Child of Darkness

Black Shepherd United Evil Forces Demo

Brocas Helm Into Battle - Ballsy SF power metal

Buffalo Volcanic Rock - Early '70s Australian stoner rock...so good.

Cirith Ungol Demo 1979 - Easily one of my favorite bands. I almost like this demo more than Frost and Fire...almost

Confessor Condemned - The vocals bug the shit out of some people, but if they aren't a dealbreaker, this band's progressive doom metal is something to be reckoned with, at least the 90s gave us bands like this to help us through that bleak decade.

Count Raven Destruction of the Void - Yeah, this dude sounds just like Ozzy. Whoa.

Crysys Hard As A Rock Again, kind of jokey and "eh" now but essentially a US band playing NWOBHM. There are some worthwhile tracks for sure.

Damad Burning Cold - Dude, I will never stop loving this band. NEVER.
Damad Centric EP

Death SS The Story of Death SS - Hit or miss given that it's an early years "best of" but historically you can't fuck with the first horror metal band. Although I always sort of want to laugh at everything the Italians do.

Forca Macabra Caveira Da Forca - If you didn't see them at Don Pedros you missed out. Seriously missed out.

Granicus Granicus - Cleveland Ohio's finest! What's more powerful than a power trio? A power quintet! Ouch...sorry, that was totally gay.

Hammers of Misfortune The Bastard - See, SF isn't totally lame all the time.

Hand of Doom Poisonoise - It's hard not to laugh during parts of this album, I'll admit, the delivery is so earnest, but I totally love it's unassuming toughness

High Tide Sea Shanties - Late 60s art rock way ahead of it's time. Abrasive and heavy then atmospheric and heady. Definitely get the oceanic vibes
High Tide Precious Cargo

Holocross Holocross - Found this gem of a ripper on vinyl and the first track quickly made its way into regular rotation in my DJ sets. Not quite as good as their name but close.

Icecross Icecross - Who knew Iceland could wail so hard?

Iron Claw Dismorphophobia: The Fear of Being Ugly
- Who knew Scotland could wail so hard?

Jerusalem Jerusalem - Kamikaze Moth is only available on one reissue and it's so good...it took me so long to get it too.

Lord Weird Slough Feg Lord Weird Slough Feg - One of my favorite contemporary metal bands. Mike Scalzi keeps it so real with his vests and his sneers. No one comes to see them when they play in NY. What's wrong with you people?
Lord Weird Slough Feg Twilight of the Idols

May Blitz 2nd of May - I dig this. That's all I gotta say.

Minsk Out of A Center Which is Neither Dead Nor Alive - I am so selective about new sludge stoner doom biz but for some reason of all the albums I've half-listened to this one grabbed me even though it is totally draining.

Necromandus Orexis of Death - Nightjar is one of the best tracks on any of these albums. Black Sabbath contemporaries, totally killer.

Penance The Road Less Traveled - Classic latter era doom...

Randy Holden Population II - I am running out of heavy appropriate adjectives.

Sentinel Beast Depths of Death - YEEEEAH! I heart Debbie Gunn for life.

Solitude Aeturnus Beyond the Crimson Horizon - Thank god, this was getting exhausting...doom...good...yeah...

And...the best compilation...like ever, The LSD Connection Vol. 8 - Mushroom Metal Mayhem

I didn't go too deep into doom or grind and Damad was a guilty pleasure that I had to throw in there since everyone's been talking about 90s hardcore lately and that band always got me. Plus I had to throw female vocals in there at least twice (Sentinel Beast being the other example.) If anyone is interested in any of these albums I can upload, burn them, or email the files. Or give me your SoulSeek name for the older ones...I have no qualm with file sharing albums where the bands aren't seeing any cash from the reissues and the reissue cds themselves go for $40 or more on Ebay.

So stoked to be so shitty

I just want to let the world know how happy I am to know that there is a record label out there that combines my hatred of yoga and my love of extreme music.

It's such a great feeling when someone comes along and combines your loves with your hates. Kind of like the For Stormfront Ladies Only Messageboard I am Jewish, I am not pro-white power, but holy shit, these ladies are entertaining as hell. I think it's hilarious when while people feel so threatened and embattled. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if what they are saying is true, WHERE'S MY PART OF THE CONSPIRACY damnit! Seriously.

Maybe I should do a series, White Nationalists: They're just like us

Here is some of my favorite light reading:

Aryan babes posting pictures of their hot Aryan dudes

The age old question, "How do I cope with my nephew wanting to date a Jewish girl?

Klans women sharing robe laundering advice

White power ladies cry during Little House on the Prairie and like to get drunk and glue quarters to the sidewalk in front of Synagogues

To tan or not to tan...what's a poor white woman to do?

And my personal favorite:

Pete Steele is the ultimate vision of white male perfection?

Wait...Hootie & The Blowfish and The Meatpuppets earned spots on the sexiest rockers list? 1995 must have been a bummer year.

Also, are white power chicks allowed to get wet for Robert Smith and Darby Crash? That just don't seem right. Nothing is funnier than when WN chicks unwittingly are hot for gays, jews, and gay jews.

In the interest of balance...The Stoked List

As much as I have lamented the negative bent of our subculture I have also expressed joy at seeing people be unabashedly stoked about things. Like my friends Matt and Kim who actually let their audiences know they are happy to see them. For years upon years we've been chanting "My friends are going to save the world" like a sacred verse, for me hearkening back to the Reversal of Man "Revolution Summer" 10"

Nowadays I roll my eyes and giggle at memories of posicore, maybe because the idea of building a scene around being specifically positive seems inorganic and forced, but at least it was an answer to the oppressive negativity that abounded.

And you know what? Skinny dipping does rule. So do potlucks. So here is my stoked list bringing me back to when I was fifteen, straightedge, and living some sort of dream. Half "us vs them" half just "us enjoying us"

-I'm stoked on the midwest. Growing up there a lot of people knock it but I grew up with little fear, always feeling safe and free to roam. I miss that.

-I'm stoked on potlucks, vegan or meat, who cares. Sitting around eating with a bunch of buddies is such a basic human way of bonding and I love feeding people.

-I'm stoked on craft night...duh!

-I'm stoked on skinny dipping. I haven't done it in years but I used to go weekly. It's what we did when bands came into town since no one was old enough to get into bars and a lot of the bands were straightedge. The first time I went was with Reversal of Man and Assuck, now that's a hell of a memory.

-I'm stoked on summertime night drives, especially in rural areas.

-I'm stoked on the woods. Hiking through the woods, parties in the woods, camping in the woods. You name it.

-I'm stoked on summer.

-I'm stoked on 90s hardcore night at the Charleston.

-I am stoked on my upcoming trip to Alaska.

-I am stoked on mushrooms.

-I am stoked on my friends.

-I am stoked on Angela Boatwright and the pictures she took of me on Monday.

-I am stoked about Brighton Beach.

-I am stoked about Brendan Donnelly and the entire contents of his brain.

Shit List Continued

Thought of a few more:

- I hate people who post blogs or update profiles with funny things they've said via IM or text message to their friends. It's so self-indulgent. Congratulations - you and your friends rule! Wow, you really got the point across. In fact in case I ever doubted how cool you were here are your personal IM conversations you had with one another plastered across the public spectrum of the internet because that funny thing you said to Ronnie about cats isn't really funny until you been congratulated for it by innumerable blog comments or MySpace accolades. Wow. Great. Okay, so blogging in inherently self-indulgent and any personal blog is a plea for acceptance from the greater population, but at least try to be creative and just slightly humble.

- I hate when people pronounce foreign words with the accent of the country of origin. Do French people say "McDonalds" with an American accent? No.

- I hate how trendy it is to be a cat person right now. Who the fuck decided cats were amazing? Jesse Pearson? Max Wowch? I am not sure. Yeah, cats have the potential to be hilarious but so does the rest of the animal kingdom. When are ducks going to get their due? Seriously, I could look at ducks and laugh for hours.

-I hate anything that can be described as "quirky".

-I hate yoga pants and those who wear them as real pants.

-I hate it when people confuse exercise fads with lifestyles.

-I hate half-assed veganism...that's like saying you are straightedge if you only drink once a week.

-I hate the public's obsession with Amy Winehouse. Junkie's are boring and scabby. Next!

-I hate it when comedians are unfunny aka Jimmy Fallon and Dane Cook. Just because you are semi-good-looking and yell a lot doesn't mean I should laugh. Unless I am making fun of you.

You've made my shit list

Often I've bemoaned the culture of negation we've developed. One where shared hatreds are equally as important as shared experiences. I can't complain too much because when I signed on to be a punk rocker in junior high I signed on to a celebration of negation. An identity where who you aren't is equally as important as who you are. From that young age I made many a friend based on mutual dislikes. "We hate the same people!" was the realization that led to friendship. Always at odds we found safety in our relatively small numbers by developing a sturdy "us vs them" mentality.

Fast forward several years. Now, living in New York City, all those punk rock kids of yore are all grown up and still make connections with each other with that same battlecry. But now shared experiences come a bit more into play. We assume that we all went through the same shit in high school and junior high. That we were all rejects of some calliber. That we had a common "them" to battle and now we rise triumphant, at least in our own minds, over "them". They who still live in our hometowns. They who are married with a couple of kids. They who took the straight track from high school to state college where they majored in business or communications or business communications and got a job relevant to their degree directly out of college where they will remain until retirement unless they get laid off or transferred. Guess what. They probably don't give a fuck whether or not you think you are better than them now. They probably don't even remember you or if they do would most likely be extremely nice if they ran into you again, probably even offering to buy you a beer. That happens to me just about ever time I end up at a bar back in my hometown.

Still, we remain battletorn (heh), the remnants of old wounds never healed. We gain our revenge by creating our own exclusive version of cool. The true cool, the trendsetting cool, been there done that moved on before anyone even catches on cool. The fleeting bouncing version of life, totally schizophrenic and so heavily self-referential it makes meta media theory look like child's play. We relish our ability to be the new snobs, not realizing that we've significantly closed the gaps between us and those bonehead jocks with serious inferiority complexes. Everybody's got something to prove.

But we get so much enjoyment out of it! Bitching is my birthright, or so I like to say because I'm a Jew, but maybe it's because I was one of the rejected, a freak, a drape, so much animosity was directed at me when I was younger that I deserve the opportunity to target others for a chance. I don't really believe that, but it does help explain why less tainted individuals look at me and my contemporaries and mutter the word "hipster" under their breath with disdain. They call us snobs, say we are intimidating, that we think we are too cool for others. Our reply, "Who me? But I'm a total nerd!" What a defense. It's true but that doesn't mean that nerds can't be assholes or that nerds are incapable of making others feel terrible.

One evening a few friends and I went out to dinner at Diner. The conversation turned to the creation of lists of things we hate. How they once spent an afternoon going back and forth amongst friends listing their hatreds, the things that really drove them nuts, and comparing notes. They mentioned that some were better at it than others and that some had hatreds that were pretty lame. They got the idea from John Waters who is probably the ultimate example of a reject creating his own exclusive world of cool built on recyclable references that are obscure to many but familiar to other rejects. It's laughable to think that someone would be bad at hating things. Perhaps it's just symptomatic of them being a better person than the rest of us.

We started discussing our hatreds at dinner and it made me think of the time, inspired by L7, I made a Shit List in 7th grade. I remember my friend's brother finding out he'd made my Shit List and him being really terrified of me after that, even though he'd previously tormented and bullied me. I threw out some hatreds at dinner and they were all received quite well. My ability to hate was legitimized by these observations:

-I hate people who clip their nails on the subway or in other public places, but specifically the subway. I find it utterly repulsive.
-I hate it when people scrape silverware against their teeth.
-I hate adults who can't spell.
-I hate embellished denim.
-I hate the master cleanse.
-I hate fag hags.
-I hate men who think they can insult me just because they are gay. Being a homosexual does not automatically qualify you to give fashion advice.
-I hate excessive exclamation points, especially in emails from women who work in fashion. It makes the recipient think less of you. Trust me.
-I hate Conde Nast and all it's endeavors.
-I hate NPR.
-I hate the theatre. Going to plays that aren't good makes me so uncomfortable I can't stand it and frankly I feel that most plays aren't good.
-I hate it when people quote tv shows as part of regular conversation.
-I hate Sex in the City and women who worship it.
-I hate the idea of going to the gym.
-I hate sex toys, body oil, costumes and our entire culture of contrived sexiness. If you need tools in the bedroom that means you just aren't very good at having sex.
-I hate New York street fairs. They are just plain shitty.
-I hate tourists who point. I also hate having my picture taken by strangers. I am not an attraction, I am a resident.


Instead of being a self-hating Jew, I'm a self-hating hater. I have a feeling that's probably not the best way to be, but at least I've got the remnants of a conscience and as haters go, I can be pretty damn pleasant. In fact I'm sure in a few hours I'll feel so shitty about my extended shit list that I'll try and be a good girl and counter it with a love list. It won't be nearly as interesting I'm sure.

In Keeping with the Recent themes

Seriously, my entire life doesn't revolve around bongs and partying. It just looks that way.

There is something so serene about the image of a lady bonging with one hand while holding a bottle of Diet Coke in the other. Something so undeniably New York. A lot of the women I've taken pictures of hitting the beer bong look comically serene. It's not a sorority girls gone wild scenario but more of a "what the hell, I'll do this" sort of attitude. Girl looks like a serious pro.




For all who did not attend, Saturday was bonkers...bangin...bananas...it had everything a house party could ask for except very little dancing. And unfortunately a lot of piss...on the roof...all over...and a lot of people making out in corners on the roof...where a lot of people had pissed...all over. There were gays and gals and bros and babes and dudes and plaids and vests and haircuts. There was a bong and a keg and hundreds of cups and empties and bottles and cans. And these guys aka the Party Doctors:



Most importantly there was a lot of fun.

But what is a party without a fight? And what is a party without enemies? My neighbors in the basement had a show the same night. A competing party which confused a lot of early arrivers at my building. No...I would never throw a party in which "Faux Punk" a Daft Punk cover band performed. Never in a million years. Nor was I particularly amped on the fans of a Daft Punk cover band drinking from the keg we'd purchases to make Lauren's birthday party all the more fun (although I think the beer bongs distracted people from keg stands.) So when one man came across douche fans smoking weed in the hallway after eight too many beer bongs...let's just say it was gnarly.

I have a weird track record with fights at parties I throw, at least in the city. The first one, at 55 Delancey, broke out on the rooftop. It was between some SVA kids and some Parsons dudes...so college, so good. The SVA kids were tagging the halls and the roof and the Parsons dudes stood up for our household's honor and someone got knocked out cold in the process. Girls were screaming everywhere on the roof and suddenly a fellow Eugene Lang student yelled, "FUCK THIS PATRIARCHAL BULLSHIT!" and then did what anyone who wants to smash patriarchy would do...called the cops.

The second fight occurred in the apartment I still live in. It was our first party which I think my apartment's reputation in the building (specifically with our landlord) never fully recovered. My roommates built a teepee on the roof and were given liquid acid by this dude:



Seriously, it was really that dude. I recognized him immediately because I always thought this was one of the funniest Don'ts. My roommate recognized him too and told him so and he kept saying, "I'm not a Don't, I'm a model." Yeah dude, you may be a model but we'll always know you as the ultimate Don't. Also, while on acid my roommate took video footage of Neon voguing on the roof as he asked her if her glasses were "Cour-raj-aye" aka Courreges. After she filmed him she took a boy she met at the party to Sunday services with a Spanish-speaking Jehovah's Witness concregation. That boy ended up becoming her (now ex) boyfriend. Whoa.

Anyway, at that party there was a fight in the kitchen. Two blondes fighting about a mutual ex and expressing their general mutual hatred. The escalation was amazing. One accusing the other of having the world's most common STD (really is HPV even an insult when like half of the fucking population has it?) and the other shouting, "Whatever, at least I didn't play NOFX at my last DJ night, go ride your BMX bike you fucking poser." And those, funnily enough, were the words that brought it to blows.

This most recent fight ended with my buddy trying to throw a full paintcan down several flights of stairs after being temporarily laid out in the hallway. His girlfriend got punched and flipped on her back and it was at that point in which I intervened, hitting the dude in the back with a plastic bag full of empty beer bottles I'd gathered while cleaning up the stairwell. I felt like the crotchety old lady shooing pesky children away with her broom...aka not that scary or effective.

I'm not a fighter. I've only been in one fist fight. It was with a dude. I was borderline blacked out. It was about how I thought Mastadon was "fucking boring." I started it. And it ended with a concussion. It's a long story. A scary dirty crazy story. And I got pretty fucked up but so did the dude. At least from what I can remember and truthfully it's not much. Lesson learned, just because someone is wearing a Mastadon shirt doesn't mean you should fight them. Or maybe it does...because fuck...I still think that band is fucking boring.